"Nobody Wanted Their Daughter To Marry Me": Ex-India Star L Sivaramakrishnan Narrates Battle With Depression, Alcohol
Former India leg-spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan opened up on his battle with depression, narrating how no one wanted their daughter to marry him after he was labelled an alcohol and drug addict.
- Former India spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan revealed how his reputation was ruined by constant allegations
- Sivaramakrishnan said that accusations of drug and alcohol abuse were difficult to endure
- "People had made my reputation so terrible that nobody wanted to let their daughter marry me," he said
Racism was not the only challenge former India spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan faced as he entered the cricketing spectrum. Once hailed as one of India's finest young talents, the leg-spinner soon found himself labelled an "alcoholic" while still a teenager. Accusations of drug and alcohol abuse were difficult to endure, especially when casual racism was already part of his life. Soon, Sivaramakrishnan was forced into another battle-this time with depression.
In an interview with The Indian Express, the former spinner, who made his India debut at just 17, revealed how his reputation was ruined by constant allegations. Even finding a partner to marry became difficult despite his status as an international cricketer.
"People love to spread bad things. My tours happened between 16 and 19 years. How would people serve me alcohol in a hotel when I was underage? I have never done drugs in my life. I have had a few beers later in my life - I don't say no to that. But imagine a 19-year-old being called an alcoholic, a drug addict," he said.
Sivaramakrishnan recalled how his parents placed a matrimonial advertisement, highlighting his status as a Test cricketer and a flat owner, with a post box number for responses. Two weeks later, when they opened the box, there was not a single application.
"It meant people had made my reputation so terrible that nobody wanted to let their daughter marry me," he revealed.
Exit From Indian Cricket
His departure from the Indian team also came in a manner that left him shattered. The selectors allegedly asked him to tell the press that his absence was due to fitness issues, not performance. Sivaramakrishnan refused.
"A day after I returned home from the 1987 World Cup, the Tamil Nadu selectors called me in. They asked me to tell the press I was unfit. I said I won't. I will not make things easy for you. If you want, you drop me."
After his career ended in 1987, Sivaramakrishnan transitioned into commentary. He was a familiar voice in the IPL for several years, but the COVID-19 lockdown took a severe toll on his mental health.
Struggles With Depression
"I was down completely and I didn't want to see myself in the mirror. I would have a couple of drinks and go to sleep because I couldn't bear anything. Whenever I was awake, I thought I was going to die."
He admitted to becoming dependent on alcohol just to fall asleep. At times, suicidal thoughts crossed his mind.
"Sometimes when we were travelling in Dubai, there's no speed limit. If the vehicle went very fast, something in my mind would tell me to just open the door and jump out. Somehow, something stopped me from doing anything silly."
The mental strain was so severe that he began hallucinating.
"You close your eyes, you see images you can't imagine-all very frightening. You open your eyes, there's nothing. But you're so tired that you want to sleep. You close your eyes again, then open them, and there goes your sleep."
Reflecting on his struggles, Sivaramakrishnan said: "Every time, you manage to tangle yourself tighter and tighter. And you have the whole world outside saying, 'See, I told you. Liquor is the reason. I told you.'"
India Cricket Team