Recently, the email accounts of all the players of an Indian team touring the West Indies were hacked into. While heinous as the crime may be, we got hold of a few and now bring you some of the letters written to people back home, just to give you an idea of ground zero.
I hope you are having a good time at home. Saw your photographs in a temple and with your niece. She is choo chweet! Makes my heart warm that they are getting to see so much of you.
Such, though is our sport that no time can be enough time when it comes to our blood-relations. I fully understand that sir and therefore I would like to say that you don’t have to worry about the team. We are fine and I have never been more in control shape. I have ensured that the boys keep binging to the minimum though that Chris guy keeps wanting to reciprocate his IPL stay in India by being the king of good times here.
However, we are fine and will make you and CSK India proud.
Hope this letter finds you in the best of health.
I am writing to you on behalf of myself. I wanted to know why have I been picked in the side without MSD. This new captain of yours has hardly played me and keeps himself busy with his India team-mates, forgetting all about the men in yellow. I ask you sir, humbly, is this right? In all my interviews, I have said as you told all of us to say, that India cap matters the most. But see what is happening to me now. Sidelined completely by these north-Indians. To top it all, Amit walks back with four wickets! Four!!?!
How will I ever get to play sir unless you take some time out of your busy cement-related work and have a word with some people here. It would be much appreciated.
I am missing you a lot. It’s only been a little over a week but I am already missing your home-cooked dal, roti and subzi.
All I am offered here is rum and rum and more rum. I mean I am 23. If I get back to Delhi and they find traces of rum in my blood, I am done for. I took a sip by mistake when I arrived here and thought I’ll just catch a flight to Mumbai once this tour is over. But now that also is not possible. I think I’ll just bide my time here for the next two years which seems, as it is, the duration of our tours here. Not that I am being played either way.
Tell everyone that I am fine other than that I finally decided to get a haircut but it costs $200 at the hotel we are staying in. I might as well get it done in Rohini, if I do come back that is.
That’s all for now. Will write again soon when we play again as there isn’t much to do once everyone takes to the field except watch that oldie in his wrinkle exposed legs in shorts.
Kaisa hai? How’s your throat infection?
Iam fine here. Found that old Rasta fellow we taught Bhangra to, the last time here. He is fine and still dealing.
Also found that hummer dealer. He now sells yachts. I have booked one for me. You want one? Dono milke Chandigarh lake de vich race lagaenge.
Reply soon cause the sooner we ship the ship, the more chances of the Board being kind and remembering to wave of the duty for the World Cup win.
The warmest of regards.
We have begun our new journeys with out new teams to coach. I read you have taken over South Africa. Jolly good.
It must really be easier for you now as I am beginning to find out. Half the side here still only pretends to know English. The other day I asked Suresh if he would like some tea. He said the boys drank very well and that the support staff has been doing a good job! I mean I don’t even know what drink he was talking about.
Then there is that right-handed seamer who played under Shane and whose name I still cannot pronounce. I told him to keep his meals in check because bad food can put him under the weather. He just gave a blank look as his head turned skywards.
If I cannot get through to these lads in time, I will understand what you really went through and still managed to win laurels. I would then personally write to the Queen so she may knight you.
Hope though that you continue with your current title. Give my love to Graeme and his fiancée, regards to Allan and the best to that cheergirl. Hope her online avatar is finally at peace.
6. Incoming telegram intercepted
Hi all(STOP)You boys are all there(STOP)One of you just(STOP)Clear my Bahamas accounts(STOP)Thanks(STOP)Suresh from Tihar(STOP).
PS: Written in jest with huge figments of imagination. To be read and taken similarly.