Mr Giles Clarke
United Kingdom, across the English Channel
As a cricket fan, I have a lot of respect for what your team has achieved in the past few weeks but I would humbly threaten you to return the trophy and make it 4-0 in favour of India or else I will strip. And yes, I am positively repulsive.
In light of the recent developments where Mr Andrew Strauss alongwith Mr Alastair Cook, with the help of Mr Ian Bell who was aptly supported by Mr Kevin Pietersen, a man who did with the bat what Mr Graeme Swann did with the ball after Mr Stuart Broad, Mr James Anderson and Mr Tim Bresnan wrecked early to do justice to splendid knocks from Mr Matt Prior and Mr Jonathan Trott, ripped our team apart. In a state of shock that led me to tabloid journals in search of solace, I discovered the art of stripping from such eminent personalities as Ms Larissa Riquelme and Ms Poonam Pandey.
I assure you that this should be taken with as much caution as the above mentioned women and their claims were taken with eager anticipation. Unlike them however, I have left much to imagination and once revealed, the shockwaves will be more violent than the suppressed cries of Sachin Tendulkar on not getting his 100th ton or on not managing to bail his team out of trouble despite valiant efforts.
Also, it would be a huge mistake to consider this as a publicity stunt. Do not mistake me for Micahel Vaughan. My views and my comments are on me and backed by me, in search of glory for the now, literally bleeding (blue) Indian team.
The West may mostly have a bias against Asians and claim we are terrorists but I assure you that my threat is completely non-violent. I am writing to you to also warn you that if my one and only demand is not met with, I will not be held responsible for any eventual consequence of my above mentioned act. This is also in tune with the legendary BCCI practice of shielding itself from any blame.
I am not being instigated by the Labour or any other party, against David Cameron. I know he was at The Oval and watched our humiliation but no personal enmity with him. Kindly do not publicize this to make it a political issue.
And finally, you may have noticed I missed Mr Morgan and Mr Tremlett above. It was not a mistake. Simply I hate them.
I will wait till the third ODI match for your reply!
Age: 25 years
Figure: 26-42-32 (no Fletcher is 42-42-32)
Job profile: Cricket fanatic
(update: The third ODI is over and the rampage is still on. However, my cultural sensibilities do not allow me to act on my threat. Let's just say it was a publicity stunt after all and forget about it. Regards)