London:He never shared what kind of mental trauma he coped with when he shunned the game but now former England captain Marcus Trescothick has revealed all which forced him to abandon his side's 2006 India tour mid-away.
Trescothick said he suffered from a major breakdown on the tour while captaining England and was compelled to leave.
"I struggled from the off. I knew it was all wrong. I couldn't sleep and missed my family. I was in pieces and then, one night I started sweating heavily, I started shaking and felt myself losing control. I was petrified," Trescothick told The Daily Telegraph in an interview.
Treschothick said he took sleeping tablets to rest his nerves but did not get any peace.
"I had images on my head of my wife and child. I was miles away from home; what if something happened to them? I felt myself fighting for breath," he said.
Despite suffering severely that night, the opener went to the ground next morning, played his innings and then collapsed and sobbed uncontrollably in the dressing room.
Trescothick said while he was going through the mental trauma, the rest of the world moved into a guessing mode.
"I was told all sorts of rumours. A friend rang me up and said the latest rumour is that my wife is having an affair. Even there was rumour that Hayley (wife) was ill. I was struggling to keep myself together, desperate to be alone with the family while coping with something I didn't understand."
Following that episode, although Trescothik made efforts to return back to international cricket, he finally decided to call it a day at the age of 32 with 76 Tests on his back after failing to board the flight for Dubai with his county-side Somerset.
"Now I'm happy. I get to watch TV with the kids and spend time with my wife. When I'm playing, I'm just down the road," he said.
Referring to the depression he had undergone during the India tour, Trescothick said, "No one knew. I guess I never told anyone about the pain I was going through because I didn't understand it myself. How could I explain something I couldn't understand?
"I could always play. Even when the depression was at its worst, I'd get out on to the field and play. The trouble was I'd come off the field and collapse," the left-hander said.
"There were times when I didn't know how I was going to go on. I didn't know how I was going to come through the pain. Getting through the night seemed so difficult; getting through the rest of my life, impossible.
"I'm one of the lucky ones. I spoke out and got help before it got too late," he added.